12 years ago we got some bad news - the kind of scary stuff that makes you cry and worry and not eat. But it didn't kill us.
What it did do though is make Fear a daily part of our lives. I was thinking about this today because yesterday we visited our accountant and he literally said 'You're richer than you think' - he essentially told us to renovate the house, pay off all our debts and, well, live a little. And walking in there my guts had been more or less in knots because AGAIN I've not put aside enough taxes. I've had a personal relationship with the tax man longer than most people stay married, and having sailed through 2011 paying down my installments, 2012 was, well, a little less disciplined.
And so to have him say look at your bottom line, you're not doing badly, consider doing x y and z NOW because you'll have longer to enjoy it…really has done me a world of good - and probably knocked my blood pressure into the happy realm of High-Normal.
Which gets me back to The Fear.
When I was around 18 - 19 - 20, certain friends and I had this fun little game. We'd sit around boozing, and inevitably, because we were all prone to it, we'd start bad tripping each other. Little things, little worries, and before you knew it we'd basically provoke in ourselves localized anxiety attacks. Really great stuff, some of these guys are still among my best friends.
Maybe it's just youthful exploration - gazing into the Abyss to see if anything snaps at you, who knows? But in 2000 when we got actual bad news The Fear came back, and we've been living with it ever since.
And here is the thing - Fear and stress robs your brain of oxygen as the blood is diverted to the fight or flight responses. You literally become stupider. And lose the ability to spel. And so living in Fear means you are probably making bad decisions, not weighing alternatives appropriately, and otherwise fucking up your life.
I am, perhaps surprisingly, a naturally optimistic person. As much as Fear leads you to scarcity thinking - we don't have enough money, we can't take risks, we're all going to die, optimism leads you to abundance thinking. It's going to be ok, we should seize the day, we're all going to die so lets party wasted NOW while we can still pour a beer without shaking.
Now this leads me to not put aside my taxes and run a deficit - but it also led me to insist we buy the house when Mary was pregnant and I was TOTALLY unemployed. And buying the house is the SINGLE best financial decision we've ever made. Riding the property bubble has likely increased our net worth by more than well let's just say 'several' of my best years working.
So we can afford to think differently. And what it forces us to do is ask the question that's been going around Facebook - 'What would you do if money wasn't an obstacle?' - because we do have choices. We can invest in renovations, or going back to school. And this has always driven me a little nuts because I've 'invested' tons of money and time in various film projects that haven't been obviously profitable. I've spent months writing instead of working and not sold any scripts or pitches.
But I have managed a sort of career in the film business. And all that stuff I said yesterday about being an editor is only half of the story. I actually love editing. I love being trusted with someone's baby and pouring my heart into seeing it into the world. Does it satisfy my fragile little ego? No. I want to produce my own projects and find my own voice and bla fucking bla. But that's up to me. And I've never stopped dabbling.
The Beaver may not be hilariously funny - but he COULD be.
The Young Poodles Movie is not finished - but it was an honour to be able to film my friends and learn to love music as much as they do from them. And the reams of navel gazing I pour into the computer? Hell, maybe I should just hire an editor…
I was going to title this post 'Honesty is never the best policy' and that's because yesterday I was like "am I intentionally burning bridges? No one wants to hire an embittered pathetic wannabe" but today the world looks different. If you've got this far thank you. Buy a Young Poodle's tshirt if you like, or make a donation (there are actually no fries with the donation though for donations over $5 there could be…) And above all practice abundance thinking. Make choices out of Love and not out of Fear because we all have to live with our own mortality and that of EVERYONE EVER we've known and loved. So while life serves up some heavy shit it hasn't killed us yet, and its time it makes us stronger.
or
Moishes gift certificates.
Or there's some
lovely shirts
